Provocative Techniques with Kids

By Duff McDuffee

Original Post at Real People Press

http://realpeoplepress.com/blog/provocative-parenting

After recently watching some videos of Nick Kemp’s unusual and entertaining Provocative Change Works, I decided to try out this style of communicating with the teenager in our household, my partner’s son.

Recently I was driving myself, my lady, and her son somewhere when he mentioned something about peer pressure. In an exaggerated and playful tone of voice, I said how important it is to always do whatever anybody wants you to, especially if it is harmful and destructive and you don’t really want to do it!

From the tone of my voice and the smile on my face it was clear I was joking, and he obviously understood this. He started to argue playfully with me, saying “That’s not what you should do.” I continued to push the joke further and said things like, “If your friends give you some poison to drink, you have to drink it, otherwise they’ll make fun of you! ‘Come on, don’t be a loser, drink this poison already. You only live once!’ ” He said things like, “No way, I’m not drinking poison! I’m doing what I want to do.” Only afterwards did I realize how elegant this method is for teaching a teenager about peer pressure.

Most teenagers are naturally a bit rebellious, even if they are good kids like my lady’s son. They resent being lectured to about things like peer pressure and drug use, and saying “Don’t do drugs” is more likely to elicit eye rolls, if not outright use of drugs as a form of rebellion, rather than abstention and standing up to peer pressure. By arguing that the teenager should take poison or something else harmful that they don’t want, it utilizes that teenage rebelliousness for a life-enhancing outcome. By using “poison” as the example, it implicitly emphasizes the harm of drug use, but without actually saying it. Most kids are aware of the potential danger, but don’t see it when peers emphasize how “cool” it is.

By using a provocative approach, the kid argues against a hypothetical peer while also getting to feel rebellious towards the parent. I think this may have been particularly effective because I am in a step-parenting role and thus don’t have any real authority to set limits or lecture about things anyhow, so a more direct way of speaking would have been more likely to elicit resistance.

And by arguing against me playfully pressuring him to drink poison, he was in that moment practicing behavioral skills for resisting peer pressure. We were also having fun together, which is very different than most people’s childhood experiences of being lectured about drugs by their parents!

Ultimately kids will make their own choices of course, but it helps to be able to give them some skills, and sometimes these little tricks can make a big difference in communicating those skills to kids.

How do you pronounce “aunt?”

How do you pronounce “aunt?” 

Let’s take a survey.  Comment on this posting about how you pronounce the word and let’s see what we get.

Uncle is easy.  There just isn’t a lot of wiggle room in pronouncing the word “uncle.”  Even in French, “oncle” sounds pretty close to “uncle.”

“Aunt” is another matter.

Most all words that have an A-U combination would want to make you say it as “ont.” 

August = awhgust, not aaagust.

Autumn.  Nobody says “atom” unless they are talking about physics.

Audit.  Nobody says “adit” unless they are talking about a vertical mine tunnel.

Auberage = obberage.  Nobody says “aaaberage”.  Okay, nobody says auberage either anymore.  It means something like a hostel.

Blaug.  Oh, sorry, that was already blog.  

Cause does not equal caz.

Plausible does not sound out to be plazzible.

Taught isn’t tat.

Exhausted is exosted. 

And anything with auto- in it has that crazy soft O dipthong.

Ottomobile.

Awtomatic Teller Machine (in some parts of the U.S.).

Ottoresponder.

Nobody says “attamatick transmission.”  Not even on Car Talk.

I can’t think of any au sound that people pronounce as a short A.

So why do a lot of people pronounce A…U…N…T as “ant?”  I do.  Am I wrong? 

Does it depend on the name of the aunt?  Ant Betty v. Aunt Betty?  Antie Em v. Auntie Em?  Ant Alice?  Ant Xylophone?  Ant Eater?  No difference.

One thing we know for sure.  The chemical symbol for gold is AU.  And the origin of aunt comes from the French (once again) amare meaning beloved. 

So, to insert some math:

Beloved + Golden = Aunt.

However you say it, that sounds right to me.

Disgust As A Weapon

By Ellis

June 19, 2011

In my run-up to Harry Potter Finale, I am re-reading the books and watching the films (while attired in my tiara and waving both my wands), AND -- hang in there...I'll make the connection in just three, two, ....... I find myself constantly amazed at J.K.'s ability to work boogers into every book. 

Yes, if it's not one of the Weasley brothers talking about them...hmmm......a family of five brothers and one little sister...are we surprised?  Mais no!  ...yes, if it's not Weasleys, it's booger-flavored beans on the candy trolley or some such nonsense. Clearly, kids are fascinated by boogers.  As a child who had horrible allergies and sinus infections, who slept like the elephant man (sitting up) most of her first twenty-some-odd years of life and who has blown her nose into more tissues and hankies than Imelda had shoes, boogers were just about the last thing I wanted anything to do with.

On the other hand -- when I was about 10, I fell on the floor furnace and gouged out a large part of my knee.  It should have had stitches (we know this now), but I was the child of a farm daughter.  You didn't stitch stuff unless it was a knife wound -- a really, really BIG knife wound -- like maybe a pitchfork through your leg.

So for weeks and weeks (perhaps months and months), I went about with this massive hole in various stages of healing, and, as kids are wont to do, periodically ripped off the developing scab with the very large band-aid I would be using to cover it on any given day.  At some point, it began to smell -- bad.

Not "badly," mind you, but "bad" as in "smellbad" -- a whole new level of odiforous. 

So what did we little girls (sugar and spice and ever’thing nice) do?  We used it to our advantage.  Yes, I distinctly remember that for a period of about 2-3 weeks, anytime the boys would chase us, take away our jump-ropes, etc., we would pick out one boy, chase him down, hold him down (the other boys NEVER helped  him, of course) and -- make him smell my knee. 

Now I was never a promiscuous girl growing up.  If you went back to my high school and asked, "Anyone here ever sleep with Ellis?" you won't get a single yes (if they're truthful).  Much to my chagrin, however, several DOZEN business and civic leaders of Memphis today can truthfully say -- some forty-odd years ago, they smelled my knee -- and once was enough.

Green is the New Black

by Jenn Archuleta

“It’s green.”

“Green?”

“Green. But it looks really good!”

“It’s green.”

“Yeah, but don’t worry, I can fix it.”

This is not the conversation you want to have with a girlfriend who has tasked you with coloring her hair.  Unless, of course, she wanted green.  Which was not the case.

In any regular friendship, this is where the dyee cries and curses the dyer for ruining her hair.  Lucky for me, the dyee in question was my fifteen year old cousin, I’ll call her Stella.  There were no tears or curses, just a pondering in the mirror and an eventual “Mom’s going to kill us,” to which I replied, “That’s okay, I have power of attorney over you until Sunday.”

Last week I had the pleasure of having Stella visit for four days.  She lives in Colorado Springs where she moved with her mother and brother when she was nine.  From that time on she and I have been great friends.  We both love to read, play string instruments and have the same sense of humor.  I like her because she gets me.

Family is very important to me and all the more because my extended family seems to be shrinking over time as people have their own families and move away or as they get older and cannot do what they once could.  I grew up with cousins all around me, even living with a cousin in college.  When Stella’s mom moved back to Colorado Springs with her family it was like a gift to me.  Her mom had been like a sister to me growing up and when she came back, she came with two great kids.  Two more cousins for me!

When I told people my young cousin was coming to visit they asked me, “What are you going to do with a fifteen year old girl?”  The notion of spending four days with a teenager was lost on some of my friends.  But I was excited to share with her some aspects of my life here.  I don’t get to see her enough and often we are relegated to comments on Facebook and catching up at holidays.  Dying her hair green was unexpected but gave us a good laugh.  Though we fixed it the next day, I know it will be something I remember for a long time.

There is a translation of Cicero over the doors to the University of Colorado library.  It says “Who knows only his own generation remains always a child”.  I was told the intention of this statement is to remind us that we must be aware of our past so that we don’t make the same mistake in our future.  I prefer to think of this in a more spherical way.  I think it is important to try and know all the generations, past present and future.  I recommend befriending a teenaged person in general, and one who is related to you specifically.   You gain perspective on the direction the world is going in, you get to laugh, you get to have those teaching moments that are so rare and you might actually learn something.  But most importantly, you get to establish the foundation of a lifelong friendship with someone who has to like you.  Because you’re related to them.  And you can tell their mother if they don’t.

Disgusting and Technical Terms

Your sibilings’s kids at a certain age are fascinated by gross things.  They all at once express disgust and intense interest at gooey, smelly, sticky, nasty liquids, semi-liquids and semi-solids.  What do you do to capture their highly refined sense of disgust?

This all-consuming focus on disgusting things must be a deep-seated, perhaps even archaic-deep-in-the-brain-stem survival mechanism.  You can imagine stone-age nieces and nephews roaming out and about the savannah, looking for stuff to eat and watching out for stuff that could kill them, such as crocodiles, snakes, lions, leopards, hyenas, rhinos, hippos, buffaloes and yes even ostriches.  This intrepid little band of nieces and nephews errantly wanders into a liquefying mass of bones, hide, tissue and squirming fly larvae.  The conversation might go like this:

“Eeeeeewwww, aaaaackkk whooooo yaaah sheesh aaaaayeee!”

“Oya oya oya, aye yae yae, whoyah.”

“Naaa naaa naaa, onnooo noo, waaaahhh.”

Let me translate:

“Eeeeeewwww, aaaaackkk whooooo yaaah sheesh aaaaayeee!” (“What the…? You have to be kidding me.”)

“Oya oya oya, aye yae yae, whoyah.” (“What is that smell? Should we eat it?)

“Naaa naaa naaa, onnooo noo, waaaahhh.” (“You first.  I’m going to puke.  Let’s get the hell out of here… wait, what are those wiggly things squirming around in there? Get a stick and poke it.”)

As they encounter a seeping puddle of something green and slimy, your nieces and nephews can rely on their intense interest to keep them in full observation mode, but their sense of smell and taste (if they get that far) will keep them from ingesting at least huge quantities of suppurating masses.

Kids have a deep-seated interested in all things gross and disgusting.  And they have names for these items, but they aren’t their real names.

You can add a touch higher learning and yes elegance by teaching your nieces and nephews the proper names for those things that simultaneously attract and repel them.  Here are some substances that draw the rapt attention of your nieces and nephews, and which real names they will forever appreciate learning.  (The child’s translation is in parentheses).

Nasal crust (boogers).

Flatulence (farts).

Mucus or nasal discharge (snot).

Maggots or fly larvae (Eeeeww, what ARE those things?)

Feces, scat, or spoor (poop and, well, let’s leave it a that).

Humus.  (icky rotting plant stuff).

Carrion. (icky rotting animal stuff).

Mold. (mold).

Fungus. (toadstools).

Cerumen.  (ear wax).

Saliva (spit, drool).

Lachrymal fluid. (tears).

Pus (pus).

Vomitus (puke).

And Floaters.  If you introduce floaters, be prepared for stunned silence.  Those floaty things in your field of vision tend to increase as you get older, so young kids may have no earthly idea what you are talking about.

So the next time you and your intrepid little band of nieces and nephews encounter something disgusting, you can cheerily produce all the proper names they need to call out all that they observe.

“That pile of carrion harbors a dandy collection of immature blowfly larvae and the whole thing smells like spoor and flatulence and humus.  It makes my eyes fill with lachrymal fluid and my nose with mucus.  I may have to vomit so hard that it will discharge cerumen from my head.  Let’s look for a minute.  Who wants to taste it?  Me neither.  Glad I didn’t step in it.

Hey, who wants ice cream?”

Body parts, too, have both technical colloquial names.  That’s for another day.

Voices of Angels

The psychiatrist asked the patient, “Do you hear voices in your head?”  “Yes, I do,” replied the patient.  The psychiatrist thought to himself, with his own voice in his head, “Aha, he hears voices!”

Recently I was doing a little training session with a youth triathlon club. We were working on mental toughness, specifically how to deal with unhelpful internal chatter.  You may have unhelpful voices saying unhelpful things to you, such as “You never were any good,” or “What makes you think you can do this?” or any number of nasty little messages.  Well, so do seven-year-olds, believe it or not.  And when you are training or racing in triathlon, those unhelpful voices can give you trouble.  So this youth triathlon team and I were working on how to deal with that unhelpful self-talk.

One way to deal with these voices is to make them funny.  So, during the experiment (I wanted to call it an “exercise” but the kids didn’t like that word, so we called it an “experiment.”  Evidently, exercise is work, and experiments are fun.) 

Anyway…

I wanted to lighten up that unhelpful internal chatter.  Try this now:  think of an unhelpful internal voice and what it says to you.  Now…have that voice say the same thing it always says, but instead, have it inhale a huge lungful of helium, and then say its phrase in that weird Minnie Mouse helium voice.  I’ll bet you are giggling.  That funny voice takes the sting out of that unhelpful voice and makes it no big deal anymore.

Anyway…

I had all the kids recall an unhelpful voice, then asked them to dress up the speaker of that voice as a clown, with orange and green hair and giant shoes and big, puffy pants, then say the phrase.  They all giggled.  The unhelpful voice became not so vexing anymore.  Then I had them try it on another unhelpful message, with the clown suit and with the helium voice.  They giggled again.

Then I had them think about a time in the future when they are likely to run into that voice, and practice making it funny looking and funny sounding. That way, next time they run into a situation, they already know what to do.

They laughed even more.

Sometimes these unhelpful internal voices have an important message, and using these lightening techniques helps us all hear the message better.  And sometimes these voices are full of nonsense and tell us things that just aren’t true.  We don’t suck.  We aren’t useless.  We aren’t no good.

To break it down:

1. Ask your niece if she has any unhelpful voices in her head, either hers or someone else’s.  She doesn’t need to tell you what that voice says.
2. Tell her that this voice is going to say what it always says, but before it does, she gets to dress it up really funny, then have it inhale a big, giant lungful of helium.
3. Tell her to let the voice say what it wants to, all clownish and helium.
4. Ask her if that voice bothers her anymore.

Teach your nieces and nephews how to lighten up that voice.  It’s fun and it really helps them not to have to listen to all that nonsense.  Imagine what your life would have been like if you had learned this technique when you were seven.

A Toddler's Lesson in Determination

Last week I raced an Ironman triathlon in St George, Utah.  The swim portion was 2.4 miles, the bike leg stretched 112 miles and the run part was a full marathon, 26.2 miles.  The course is really hilly and the temperature was over 90 degrees with hard wind gusts.  I finished in 12 hours 58 minutes, number 18 of the 60 guys in my age group.  The weekend before I raced a half-Ironman distance race in California, and got seventh of 50 or more in my age group.

At the end of the race in St George, I was recovering and eating a few things, and saw a little kid, about 18 months old.  His father had just finished the race, and this toddler was hanging around with his family while his father tried to pull himself together.

I was feeling as though I had pretty good mental discipline and stick-to-it-iveness.  I had done two hard, lengthy races in a week’s time.  Ironman St. George was especially challenging, given the big hills and 140.6 miles of racecourse.  And it was really hot (did I mention that already?) and the wind gusts felt like a blast furnace. 

I thought I had reason to be a little self-congratulatory for racing with determination for nearly 13 hours.

Then I see this little guy, this toddler, this 1.5-year-old, at the race finish.

I watched this little kid trying to walk around on the lawn.  He’d take a step or two, fall to the grass, and then get up.  He’d take another step, and fall again.  Get up, fall down.  Get up, try to walk, fall down, and then get back up.

I watched him for five minutes.  He must have fallen and stood back up 100 times.

He never seemed to get discouraged, or irritated, or frustrated, or anything even remotely like that.  He just kept getting up and trying to walk, and falling down, and getting up again. He was just so—matter of fact about it.

Whoops, down.  No problem, just pop back up and start walking.  Down again. Okay, well, better get back up.  Down.  Up again.  Down.  Up again.

What determination.  It didn’t seem like he was battling.  He was just getting back up and up and up and up.

Imagine what we all could do if we had that kind of determination.

He might have fallen down 100 times, but he got up 101 times.

When your nieces and nephews get a little discouraged, gently remind them of what it took them to learn to walk.  1000 falls, 1001 recoveries.

You could ask your niece, “What’s the alternative? Lay there until the vultures come?”

We all know how to persevere.  It’s how we learned to walk. 

Thanks to that little boy, whose father had just raced 140.6 miles in infernal heat and wind, and persevered. 

That little boy persevered more.

Essential Skills Videos

Here are two new videos illustrating key skills to teach nieces and nephews.

The proper way to peel a banana

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aspBJHi-HA

And How to kick a rock off a trail.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CfPejTXLYw

Summertime Is Reading Time

Every year at this time I think about compiling a summer reading list.  I was trained to do this and now it’s a habit.

My older brother, Ed, just before summer vacation began, would walk me up the hill to the public library.  There he would help me choose a handful of books to read over the summer.  I was seven or eight back then when this annual ritual started.

Ed was then and still is a great reader.  He reads a lot and a lot of variety.  Because he also has a great memory, Ed is really well informed.

Even back then, Ed had a gift for selecting books that I would enjoy and learn something from, too.

The Sunset District library did not have the world's largest collection, but it had plenty for Ed to rifle through and pick some winners.

“Ray Bradbury would be great for you,” he said.  “Let’s try Martian Chronicles.  If you like that one, Dandelion Wine would be fantastic.”

Ray Bradbury was great.  Dandelion Wine remains one of favorite novels.

Ed also introduced me to short stories.  “Have you ever read any Saki?” he asked.  I had not.  “Here, listen to this one.”  Ed read me “The Open Window.”  I was hooked again.

Ed helped me assemble a stack of books to lug home.  He’d ask me how I liked them as I made my way through each volume, and give me a bit of background on the author and how these works came to be.

I tried to read some poetry, and struggled with the meanings of some of the verse.  When I asked Ed what it meant—what the author meant—he cleared it all up for me.

He said, “What did the author mean?  Who cares? What does it mean to you?”  Ah, so that’s how this works.

I tried reading hard stuff.  Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison worked me.  Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee crushed me.  And the Russian novels—cold, cold, cold; potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.

I don’t remember everything I read, but I do remember that Ed steered me to great books that I loved to read, and turned me into a reader.

A while ago, at a dinner at friends’ house, the host complained that my wife and I don’t ever just sit still.  I argued the contrary. “I read 300 books last year.”  And when I went back and counted them up, I had.

Even now, decades later, around the middle of May, I get a funny feeling that I should be heading to the library.

Take your niece to the library.  Pick out a few volumes that you like and that you think she will like.

Start a habit.

Magic Paper Bag

In this video the nieces team up to demonstrate a technique from the book Uncle! The Definitive Guide for Becoming the World's Greatest Aunt or Uncle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmzx05z0mJ0

Creating Future Experience

We know from experience that nobody ever learns anything from experience. 

How can you turn this truism upside down for your nieces and nephews?

Babies come into the world lacking much real-world experience.  They just haven’t had a lot of time to accumulate much seasoning.  They have to learn things for themselves, and sometimes those learnings are painful.  You hope and guard against lessons that are debilitating or fatal. 

How do you help your nieces and nephews learn from experience but not have to risk all the downside of the hot stove?

It’s called rehearsal.

Your nephew is going to his first dance.  His first dance is fraught with peril.  He is thinking, if not asking you directly, “What if nobody will dance with me?  What if I ask somebody to dance and she turns me down?  What if she says yes but I dance funny?”

You could respond with a line from Willy Wonka:

“What if my beard were made of green spinach?” cried Mr Wonka.  “Bunkum and tommyrot!  You’ll never get anywhere if you go about what-iffing like that.  Would Columbus have discovered America if he’d said ‘What if I sink on the way over?  What if I meet pirates?  What if I never come back?’  He wouldn’t even have started.  We want no what-iffers around here.” 

Instead, what you might do to actually be helpful is easier.  You don’t have to remember all that Roald Dahl stuff, for one thing. 

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

When your nephew gets handed a life lesson, you can help him incorporate that learning into his future.

Ask him this: “What did you learn from that experience?”

Listen to hear that he at least considered there was a lesson there.

Then emplant that learning into his future.

Ask your nephew, “When is the next time you will be in this same kind of situation? “  Once your nephew picks out an upcoming time when he could use his new experience, ask him to make a movie in his head about how he would like the next event to go, exactly as he wishes.  

Tell him, “You are the director of your own movie, so make it exactly as you wish it would go, just perfect.  Use your newfound experience to help you.”

That’s all.

Now your nephew has had a rehearsal to incorporate his new experience, and has placed it in an appropriate future situation, so it will be there exactly when he needs it.

Volunteering and Food

Volunteering is a big part of the culture of this nation.  Barn raisings, when the neighbors would get together to build a barn that takes a crowd to build—that’s volunteering.  Bringing meals to the family down the street when a member of that family has taken ill—that’s volunteering.  Beach cleanups and tree planting days—volunteerism again.

Bringing your siblings’ kids to volunteer projects has terrific benefits for the kids and their parents and you.  First, the projects are a blast.  You are working together with those kids to make the world a better place in some way. You are accomplishing tasks together, working side by side and GSD—Getting Stuff Done.  You are mixing with other people doing the same thing, giving their time and talents toward making real progress.

Your nieces and nephews will sop up the ether of the moment.  It’s good ether.  When people get together to work together to make things better, it’s the best version of those people coming together.  Your nieces and nephews will somehow apprehend the special sauce of the moment.  They will get it, and they will relish it.

They will revere you for bringing them into this moment.  Doing work—fun.  Completing tasks—fun.  Working with a group toward a common purpose—fun.  Working toward a common purpose larger then ourselves—what could be better?

Select your volunteer projects wisely.  Choose projects that are well organized and meaningful, so that your time and the kids’ time is well spent and you get something done. 

Make sure that somehow food is part of the experience.  Kids appreciate an immediate, tangible and relevant reward for their efforts.  If the volunteer project doesn’t center around a celebratory meal at the end or offer a great lunch, don’t pick that project.  If you have to take your nieces and nephews for a bite after the project, then do that.  Just make sure that the kids get fed with something they really like, and that they connect that great meal with their volunteer project.

Do good work, hang out with fun people who have big hearts, and eat.  That’s the formula.

Yes, Even Pulling Weeds

This week I saw a master uncle in action pulling weeds with his niece, and having fun with it.

First, Peter’s not the real uncle, but a neighbor, so the other weed-puller fun-haver, Nina, isn’t his niece.  No matter.

Peter was over at the house with a bunch of other people who came to help out.  Nina’s father has fallen ill, and his colleague organized a barn raising.  A dozen co-workers and friends descended on Nina’s house to work on the plumbing, clean up the yard, fix the irrigation system and even, yes, pull weeds.

While all the flurry of action was happening all around them, Nina and Peter quietly carved out their own corner of the back yard and worked on the weeds.  Peter somehow made an expedition out of the project. 

Peter would say, “This one has really long roots,” as he extracted a cheeseweed.  “You need to get the roots, otherwise it just grows back,” he explained to Nina.  Nina was paying attention.

Nina grasped her own cheeseweed, pinched firmly, and pulled sincerly.  Up came the cheeseweed, roots intact, from the moist ground.  She seemed quite satisfied with the result, gauging by the smile she radiated.

“I got all the roots, Peter,” she said, waving the cheeseweed gently in the air.

“Nice work.  I like it when the whole thing comes up like that,” Peter said.

"I like it, too," Nina agreed.

Then they continued to hunt for more cheeseweed, chatting and pulling and giggling.

Peter led Nina to a huge cheeseweed.  She grabbed and pulled.  Not without a struggle, the cheeseweed yielded. The roots were enormous, six inches long at least, on this one-inch-tall plant.

Nina and Peter gave each other fist bumps in celebration.

When the weeds were all gone, they went into the kitchen to warm up from the chilly, cloudy time outside.  Nina went to tell Mom all about it: cheeseweeds and roots and how you have to get the roots and the giant cheeseweed with the giant roots.

Mom gave Peter one glance, as if to say, “This is your doing, isn’t it?”  Peter pretended not to notice, but grinned just a little. 

“Now what are we going to do?” asked Nina.

Peter replied, “We’ll find something.”

Go Fast and Have Fun

Professional triathlete Jasmine Oeinck is the real deal.  She has earned amazing credentials.  She was two years in a row the top U.S. triathlete in the under 23-years-old class, and in 2009 came in first place in the U.S. National Triathlon competition.

Jasmine also co-founded Bulumu Granola, a company based on the values of sustainability and passion for life.  Bulumu is a word that Jasmine and her mom invented to sign off their emails, as Jasmine was jetting around the globe racing triathlons as a 19-year-old professional.  It stands for Buckle Up, Love You, Miss You—Bu Lu Mu.  And Jasmine’s granola is fuel for people to pursue their passion.

Last month Jasmine had a chance to talk with athletes in the Flagstaff Academy Youth Triathlon Club.  These are kids from pre-school to 8^th grade who are doing swim-bike-run training and racing.  She talked to them about training for races and other elements of triathlon.

Then she summed up her advice:

“If I had one bit of advice to give young triathletes, it would be this,” said Jasmine.

“Go as fast as you can.

“Swim as fast as you can, and bike as fast as you can and run as fast as you can.

“And have fun.”

Those are words to live by, like fuel for your passion.

Aunt v. Coach: Four Roles in Common

Compare and contrast: aunt versus coach.

Oh, let’s just compare.

Both aunts and coaches need to do four things.  This comes from a book by Robert Dilts called From Coach to Awakener.  It’s a great book.

First and foremost, both aunt and coach have to make sure that the kids in their care remain safe and healthy.  The parents aren’t around, so it’s up to you.  Their kids—for now, at least—are your kids. That means you cannot let them eat broken glass, walk tightropes six stories up or play with blowtorches.  You have to bring them back to the parents in the same functioning state in which you received them.  Except giddier. Remember, they are supposed to have fun with you, not use molten metal for crème rinse.

Second, aunt and coach need to teach kids how to play the game.  Whatever game that is, from Bananagrams to soccer, there are rules that make the game playable (hence fun) and kids need to know the rules.  It’s up to you to teach them.  Go Fish has rules.  Jump rope has rules.  Hopscotch has rules.  Games you make up with your nieces have rules.  Help them learn the rules.

Third, aunt and coach need to teach skills.  In soccer, kids need to know how to get into position, how to kick with both feet (kick the soccer ball, I mean), stop the ball without using their hands, and challenge the ball.  In hopscotch, kids need to learn the skills of …wait, I forget what hopscotch is.

Anyhow,

Fourth, both aunts and coaches take an interest in the personal development of the kids in their care.  Call it sportsmanship, sense of accomplishment, exceeding self-imposed limits, teamwork, fairness or any other wonderful human quality that kids learn through sports and group activities, this is the fourth dimension. 

Pablo Picasso said, "I am always doing things I can’t do, that is how I get to do them.”  Kids need to come up against their physical limits sometimes, so that they can exceed them.  That's a character builder—doing more than you thought was possible, in a safe environment (level one).

Perhaps you can best appreciate this by recalling times when you've seen it go wrong.  A coach loses his head, gets wrapped up in the game, and forgets about the personal development of the kids.  If you think that the most important thing in a soccer game of seven-year-olds is winning, you can stop reading right here and move along to someplace else.  Or maybe, you are exactly the one who should keep reading.

Carry on.

These four levels of care and development are hierarchal, so that each higher level contains all the functions of the lower levels.  Even when you are teaching rules, or skills, or stick-to-itiveness, you still need to ensure that your kids refrain from drinking bleach.  At least until you chuck them back over the wall to their parents.

Above all, the activities in these four levels need to be fun.

Wait, fun and rules, you ask?  Sure.  Make up a game to explain the rules.  Switch roles to make the kids the referees.  Use a little creativity.

Above all above all, bring 'em back alive.  Level one.  Ensure their personal well being and physical safety.  If you get a chance, help them learn the rules of the game.  And if you have more opportunity, teach some skills.  And if the chance pops up, instill some personal development, some character-building, such as sportsmanship or teamwork. 

But remember, aunt or coach, bring 'em back alive.

More at www.auntsandunclesguide.com

If you can’t say something nice, don't say anything at all.

If you can’t say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Maybe you have heard this phrase, long ago being spoken by someone older and wiser than you.

"If you cannot say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all."

It is great advice.

Remember the last time that you were saying something unkind about someone.  Even if it were true, the things you pointed out, the way you phrased them and your tone were unflattering, at best.

Then pops up that person, the object of your description, out of nowhere, having heard your whole speech, or at least enough to get the point.

Your eyes dart around for a hole to crawl into. You rifle your brain for some excuse, but frantically realize that you are caught, apprehended, trapped.   You blush and stammer and panic, then give up and get ready to take your medicine.

Your sheepish smile doesn't make anything better, but you can't help smiling it.

And in the back of your head, ever so faintly, you hear that voice of wisdom echoing around in the panicked emptiness of your skull: "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all."

"When oh when am I going to learn to live by this?" you ask yourself.  "How many times am I going make this mistake before I remember to live by these words?"

You smack your forehead with the flat of your hand, and mutter and shake your head.

When your nephew starts to run somebody down, as soon as he starts, just stop him.  Do not brook this behavior.  Just say, "Oh, we don't do this around here. If you can't say something nice about somebody, don't say anything at all."

Give that a moment to sink in, then...

"Would you say that if the person were here and could hear you? No? You wouldn't?

"Then let's not do it behind his back.

"Because some day, if you say bad things about others, that person will hear you.  What do you think that will feel like?

“Everybody in life is in a bit of an uphill struggle.  We should be kind to them.”

Maybe your nephew will pick up this wisdom and live by it. We can hope.

What are you going to do to finally, once and for all, live by these words?

Try this:

Make a little movie in your mind's eye of the next time you get a chance to say something bad about somebody (else).  Now right before you start in, in your own movie, have yourself say, "I wouldn't say this to the person's face, so I won't say it now." And make another short movie in your mind's eye of another time when you have the opportunity to live the magic phrase, "If you can't say anything nice..." and have the movie go just as you wish it to.

And then picture your nephew, who reveres you, and think of how shocked, shocked he would be to discover if you didn't live by your own advice.

Live by the words.  Set an example.  Be one of those people who never get caught saying unkind things about others--never caught because you never say them.  Picturing your nephew and being the stand-up person he thinks you are--that will be your ally.

www.auntsandunclesguide.com 

Tracing Paper

Do you remember tracing paper? 

Uncle Aunt Niece Nephew Uncle book auntsanduncles guide.com

Your nephew doesn’t remember tracing paper, because he’s never seen it.

Tracing paper is really fun stuff. 

If you don’t have any tracing paper lying around, go to the place where you keep your jumbles of wrapping paper.  There’s possibly some tissue wrapping in that heap, and it will work fine for the purpose.

Okay, I agree—this is probably for younger kids. But tracing is a blast.   Find a printed image that your nephew really likes, or at least is intrigued by, gather up some pencils or pens  (colored pencils are great) and trace away.  When you take up the tracing paper from the original—bang!  It’s a masterpiece.

www.auntsandunclesguide.com

Listen, Really Listen

A big part of listening is shutting up so that your niece has a chance to talk. 

But it’s hard to do.

She mentions something, which triggers a related image in your mind and then you want to talk about what just popped up in your head.

It’s normal behavior, but it doesn’t help your niece open up and keep talking.

To give her all the room she needs to keep the conversation going, try the 3:1 rule.

Your niece gets to say three things before you get to say one, then she gets three more.

Your one thing might be a question or follow on to what she just said, to give her the opportunity to expand and expound.

The 3:1 listening ratio takes a bit of practice, but it’s worth it. 

So rarely does anybody ever really listen.  Many (most) conversations aren’t really all that productive.  In turn, each listener is waiting for the speaker to finish so he can start talking.

With kids, this style is deadly.  One or two rounds of that and they get it that you really aren’t listening, but instead just awaiting to talk.  So they clam up and wander off.

Who wouldn’t?

Try the 3:1 listening ratio and see if you don’t become a hero, just for really listening.

Are You Going to Become a Scholar?

Our next door neighbor way back when was John Z. Soso.  He was a remarkable fellow.  He was an elementary school principal in San Francisco, and was perhaps the first one to have his school painted red, white and blue, back in 1976.  He also served in the U.S. Army infantry in Italy in World War II, although he never talked about that.  And he had a deep influence on the kids in the neighborhood.

But in a subtle way.

One day he spied me out in front of the house.  I was about five or six then.  He asked me, “Are you going to become a scholar?”

“What’s a scholar?”

Mr. Soso answered, “A scholar is someone who learns about a lot of things and really loves it.”

“I want to be a scholar,” I replied.

Okay, how long did this exchange take?  Ten seconds?

What six-year old wouldn’t have said “yes,” especially when the revered Mr. Soso asked?

And now, fully 50 years later, I really love to learn.

On another occasion, Mr. Soso spied me again out front.  He offered, “You know, you are going to spend about one-third of your life working, so you might as well work at something really worthwhile that you will enjoy.  Okay, gotta go.”  And off he went.

From that instant, I never considered having a job.  I decided to have a career.  Not that I didn’t have jobs along the way, washing and gassing cars to get through college and working at a pharmacy while in school.  But I never considered not having a career that provided excitement and fulfillment and learning.

There are two of the briefest of exchanges between Mr. Soso and me that shaped my life.

Finally, one day he asked, “Will, are you publishing anything?”

I was in high school by now.  With my face scrunched up as a 15-year-old boy can do, I asked, “Publishing? Publishing what?” 

Mr. Soso said, “You should think about publishing an article here and there, about things you are interested in and know something about.”

End of discussion.

Start of this blog.

Your Own Video Festival

It's a holiday, and the cousins are assembled around a couple of computers. They have their own video festival going on. 

“Okay, okay, look at this one,” says Audrey and she opens up a two-minute YouTube video of a cat dancing around.

Her cousin Irish counters with an internet video she knows about a happy penguin running around the rookery.

Gales of laughter as big as the gales of Antarctica ensue.

I boot up an old TV commercial showing cowboys herding cats across the prairie.  It goes over pretty well.

Cousin Jill tosses in her nomination, clicking on a video about a budding Jedi doing the Star Wars light saber dance.

Britney has a short video to show, too:  Marcel the Shell.

And on it goes.  Two computers, good internet connection, and some ideas about goofy, fun videos to watch.  The cousins taking turns offering their favorite short clips. 

Their own video festival.