Volunteering and Food

Volunteering is a big part of the culture of this nation.  Barn raisings, when the neighbors would get together to build a barn that takes a crowd to build—that’s volunteering.  Bringing meals to the family down the street when a member of that family has taken ill—that’s volunteering.  Beach cleanups and tree planting days—volunteerism again.

Bringing your siblings’ kids to volunteer projects has terrific benefits for the kids and their parents and you.  First, the projects are a blast.  You are working together with those kids to make the world a better place in some way. You are accomplishing tasks together, working side by side and GSD—Getting Stuff Done.  You are mixing with other people doing the same thing, giving their time and talents toward making real progress.

Your nieces and nephews will sop up the ether of the moment.  It’s good ether.  When people get together to work together to make things better, it’s the best version of those people coming together.  Your nieces and nephews will somehow apprehend the special sauce of the moment.  They will get it, and they will relish it.

They will revere you for bringing them into this moment.  Doing work—fun.  Completing tasks—fun.  Working with a group toward a common purpose—fun.  Working toward a common purpose larger then ourselves—what could be better?

Select your volunteer projects wisely.  Choose projects that are well organized and meaningful, so that your time and the kids’ time is well spent and you get something done. 

Make sure that somehow food is part of the experience.  Kids appreciate an immediate, tangible and relevant reward for their efforts.  If the volunteer project doesn’t center around a celebratory meal at the end or offer a great lunch, don’t pick that project.  If you have to take your nieces and nephews for a bite after the project, then do that.  Just make sure that the kids get fed with something they really like, and that they connect that great meal with their volunteer project.

Do good work, hang out with fun people who have big hearts, and eat.  That’s the formula.

Yes, Even Pulling Weeds

This week I saw a master uncle in action pulling weeds with his niece, and having fun with it.

First, Peter’s not the real uncle, but a neighbor, so the other weed-puller fun-haver, Nina, isn’t his niece.  No matter.

Peter was over at the house with a bunch of other people who came to help out.  Nina’s father has fallen ill, and his colleague organized a barn raising.  A dozen co-workers and friends descended on Nina’s house to work on the plumbing, clean up the yard, fix the irrigation system and even, yes, pull weeds.

While all the flurry of action was happening all around them, Nina and Peter quietly carved out their own corner of the back yard and worked on the weeds.  Peter somehow made an expedition out of the project. 

Peter would say, “This one has really long roots,” as he extracted a cheeseweed.  “You need to get the roots, otherwise it just grows back,” he explained to Nina.  Nina was paying attention.

Nina grasped her own cheeseweed, pinched firmly, and pulled sincerly.  Up came the cheeseweed, roots intact, from the moist ground.  She seemed quite satisfied with the result, gauging by the smile she radiated.

“I got all the roots, Peter,” she said, waving the cheeseweed gently in the air.

“Nice work.  I like it when the whole thing comes up like that,” Peter said.

"I like it, too," Nina agreed.

Then they continued to hunt for more cheeseweed, chatting and pulling and giggling.

Peter led Nina to a huge cheeseweed.  She grabbed and pulled.  Not without a struggle, the cheeseweed yielded. The roots were enormous, six inches long at least, on this one-inch-tall plant.

Nina and Peter gave each other fist bumps in celebration.

When the weeds were all gone, they went into the kitchen to warm up from the chilly, cloudy time outside.  Nina went to tell Mom all about it: cheeseweeds and roots and how you have to get the roots and the giant cheeseweed with the giant roots.

Mom gave Peter one glance, as if to say, “This is your doing, isn’t it?”  Peter pretended not to notice, but grinned just a little. 

“Now what are we going to do?” asked Nina.

Peter replied, “We’ll find something.”

Go Fast and Have Fun

Professional triathlete Jasmine Oeinck is the real deal.  She has earned amazing credentials.  She was two years in a row the top U.S. triathlete in the under 23-years-old class, and in 2009 came in first place in the U.S. National Triathlon competition.

Jasmine also co-founded Bulumu Granola, a company based on the values of sustainability and passion for life.  Bulumu is a word that Jasmine and her mom invented to sign off their emails, as Jasmine was jetting around the globe racing triathlons as a 19-year-old professional.  It stands for Buckle Up, Love You, Miss You—Bu Lu Mu.  And Jasmine’s granola is fuel for people to pursue their passion.

Last month Jasmine had a chance to talk with athletes in the Flagstaff Academy Youth Triathlon Club.  These are kids from pre-school to 8^th grade who are doing swim-bike-run training and racing.  She talked to them about training for races and other elements of triathlon.

Then she summed up her advice:

“If I had one bit of advice to give young triathletes, it would be this,” said Jasmine.

“Go as fast as you can.

“Swim as fast as you can, and bike as fast as you can and run as fast as you can.

“And have fun.”

Those are words to live by, like fuel for your passion.

Aunt v. Coach: Four Roles in Common

Compare and contrast: aunt versus coach.

Oh, let’s just compare.

Both aunts and coaches need to do four things.  This comes from a book by Robert Dilts called From Coach to Awakener.  It’s a great book.

First and foremost, both aunt and coach have to make sure that the kids in their care remain safe and healthy.  The parents aren’t around, so it’s up to you.  Their kids—for now, at least—are your kids. That means you cannot let them eat broken glass, walk tightropes six stories up or play with blowtorches.  You have to bring them back to the parents in the same functioning state in which you received them.  Except giddier. Remember, they are supposed to have fun with you, not use molten metal for crème rinse.

Second, aunt and coach need to teach kids how to play the game.  Whatever game that is, from Bananagrams to soccer, there are rules that make the game playable (hence fun) and kids need to know the rules.  It’s up to you to teach them.  Go Fish has rules.  Jump rope has rules.  Hopscotch has rules.  Games you make up with your nieces have rules.  Help them learn the rules.

Third, aunt and coach need to teach skills.  In soccer, kids need to know how to get into position, how to kick with both feet (kick the soccer ball, I mean), stop the ball without using their hands, and challenge the ball.  In hopscotch, kids need to learn the skills of …wait, I forget what hopscotch is.

Anyhow,

Fourth, both aunts and coaches take an interest in the personal development of the kids in their care.  Call it sportsmanship, sense of accomplishment, exceeding self-imposed limits, teamwork, fairness or any other wonderful human quality that kids learn through sports and group activities, this is the fourth dimension. 

Pablo Picasso said, "I am always doing things I can’t do, that is how I get to do them.”  Kids need to come up against their physical limits sometimes, so that they can exceed them.  That's a character builder—doing more than you thought was possible, in a safe environment (level one).

Perhaps you can best appreciate this by recalling times when you've seen it go wrong.  A coach loses his head, gets wrapped up in the game, and forgets about the personal development of the kids.  If you think that the most important thing in a soccer game of seven-year-olds is winning, you can stop reading right here and move along to someplace else.  Or maybe, you are exactly the one who should keep reading.

Carry on.

These four levels of care and development are hierarchal, so that each higher level contains all the functions of the lower levels.  Even when you are teaching rules, or skills, or stick-to-itiveness, you still need to ensure that your kids refrain from drinking bleach.  At least until you chuck them back over the wall to their parents.

Above all, the activities in these four levels need to be fun.

Wait, fun and rules, you ask?  Sure.  Make up a game to explain the rules.  Switch roles to make the kids the referees.  Use a little creativity.

Above all above all, bring 'em back alive.  Level one.  Ensure their personal well being and physical safety.  If you get a chance, help them learn the rules of the game.  And if you have more opportunity, teach some skills.  And if the chance pops up, instill some personal development, some character-building, such as sportsmanship or teamwork. 

But remember, aunt or coach, bring 'em back alive.

More at www.auntsandunclesguide.com

If you can’t say something nice, don't say anything at all.

If you can’t say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Maybe you have heard this phrase, long ago being spoken by someone older and wiser than you.

"If you cannot say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all."

It is great advice.

Remember the last time that you were saying something unkind about someone.  Even if it were true, the things you pointed out, the way you phrased them and your tone were unflattering, at best.

Then pops up that person, the object of your description, out of nowhere, having heard your whole speech, or at least enough to get the point.

Your eyes dart around for a hole to crawl into. You rifle your brain for some excuse, but frantically realize that you are caught, apprehended, trapped.   You blush and stammer and panic, then give up and get ready to take your medicine.

Your sheepish smile doesn't make anything better, but you can't help smiling it.

And in the back of your head, ever so faintly, you hear that voice of wisdom echoing around in the panicked emptiness of your skull: "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all."

"When oh when am I going to learn to live by this?" you ask yourself.  "How many times am I going make this mistake before I remember to live by these words?"

You smack your forehead with the flat of your hand, and mutter and shake your head.

When your nephew starts to run somebody down, as soon as he starts, just stop him.  Do not brook this behavior.  Just say, "Oh, we don't do this around here. If you can't say something nice about somebody, don't say anything at all."

Give that a moment to sink in, then...

"Would you say that if the person were here and could hear you? No? You wouldn't?

"Then let's not do it behind his back.

"Because some day, if you say bad things about others, that person will hear you.  What do you think that will feel like?

“Everybody in life is in a bit of an uphill struggle.  We should be kind to them.”

Maybe your nephew will pick up this wisdom and live by it. We can hope.

What are you going to do to finally, once and for all, live by these words?

Try this:

Make a little movie in your mind's eye of the next time you get a chance to say something bad about somebody (else).  Now right before you start in, in your own movie, have yourself say, "I wouldn't say this to the person's face, so I won't say it now." And make another short movie in your mind's eye of another time when you have the opportunity to live the magic phrase, "If you can't say anything nice..." and have the movie go just as you wish it to.

And then picture your nephew, who reveres you, and think of how shocked, shocked he would be to discover if you didn't live by your own advice.

Live by the words.  Set an example.  Be one of those people who never get caught saying unkind things about others--never caught because you never say them.  Picturing your nephew and being the stand-up person he thinks you are--that will be your ally.

www.auntsandunclesguide.com 

Tracing Paper

Do you remember tracing paper? 

Uncle Aunt Niece Nephew Uncle book auntsanduncles guide.com

Your nephew doesn’t remember tracing paper, because he’s never seen it.

Tracing paper is really fun stuff. 

If you don’t have any tracing paper lying around, go to the place where you keep your jumbles of wrapping paper.  There’s possibly some tissue wrapping in that heap, and it will work fine for the purpose.

Okay, I agree—this is probably for younger kids. But tracing is a blast.   Find a printed image that your nephew really likes, or at least is intrigued by, gather up some pencils or pens  (colored pencils are great) and trace away.  When you take up the tracing paper from the original—bang!  It’s a masterpiece.

www.auntsandunclesguide.com

Listen, Really Listen

A big part of listening is shutting up so that your niece has a chance to talk. 

But it’s hard to do.

She mentions something, which triggers a related image in your mind and then you want to talk about what just popped up in your head.

It’s normal behavior, but it doesn’t help your niece open up and keep talking.

To give her all the room she needs to keep the conversation going, try the 3:1 rule.

Your niece gets to say three things before you get to say one, then she gets three more.

Your one thing might be a question or follow on to what she just said, to give her the opportunity to expand and expound.

The 3:1 listening ratio takes a bit of practice, but it’s worth it. 

So rarely does anybody ever really listen.  Many (most) conversations aren’t really all that productive.  In turn, each listener is waiting for the speaker to finish so he can start talking.

With kids, this style is deadly.  One or two rounds of that and they get it that you really aren’t listening, but instead just awaiting to talk.  So they clam up and wander off.

Who wouldn’t?

Try the 3:1 listening ratio and see if you don’t become a hero, just for really listening.

Are You Going to Become a Scholar?

Our next door neighbor way back when was John Z. Soso.  He was a remarkable fellow.  He was an elementary school principal in San Francisco, and was perhaps the first one to have his school painted red, white and blue, back in 1976.  He also served in the U.S. Army infantry in Italy in World War II, although he never talked about that.  And he had a deep influence on the kids in the neighborhood.

But in a subtle way.

One day he spied me out in front of the house.  I was about five or six then.  He asked me, “Are you going to become a scholar?”

“What’s a scholar?”

Mr. Soso answered, “A scholar is someone who learns about a lot of things and really loves it.”

“I want to be a scholar,” I replied.

Okay, how long did this exchange take?  Ten seconds?

What six-year old wouldn’t have said “yes,” especially when the revered Mr. Soso asked?

And now, fully 50 years later, I really love to learn.

On another occasion, Mr. Soso spied me again out front.  He offered, “You know, you are going to spend about one-third of your life working, so you might as well work at something really worthwhile that you will enjoy.  Okay, gotta go.”  And off he went.

From that instant, I never considered having a job.  I decided to have a career.  Not that I didn’t have jobs along the way, washing and gassing cars to get through college and working at a pharmacy while in school.  But I never considered not having a career that provided excitement and fulfillment and learning.

There are two of the briefest of exchanges between Mr. Soso and me that shaped my life.

Finally, one day he asked, “Will, are you publishing anything?”

I was in high school by now.  With my face scrunched up as a 15-year-old boy can do, I asked, “Publishing? Publishing what?” 

Mr. Soso said, “You should think about publishing an article here and there, about things you are interested in and know something about.”

End of discussion.

Start of this blog.

Your Own Video Festival

It's a holiday, and the cousins are assembled around a couple of computers. They have their own video festival going on. 

“Okay, okay, look at this one,” says Audrey and she opens up a two-minute YouTube video of a cat dancing around.

Her cousin Irish counters with an internet video she knows about a happy penguin running around the rookery.

Gales of laughter as big as the gales of Antarctica ensue.

I boot up an old TV commercial showing cowboys herding cats across the prairie.  It goes over pretty well.

Cousin Jill tosses in her nomination, clicking on a video about a budding Jedi doing the Star Wars light saber dance.

Britney has a short video to show, too:  Marcel the Shell.

And on it goes.  Two computers, good internet connection, and some ideas about goofy, fun videos to watch.  The cousins taking turns offering their favorite short clips. 

Their own video festival.

McGuckin Factor

In our town we have a great hardware store called McGuckin Hardware.  I like them because they have everything and they have floor staff who know where to find everything, and they have enough floor staff that you can find them.

They have something more.

The floor staff know not only where in the store all the stuff is, but also they know what questions to ask.

You might bring your nephew or niece to the store with you while in the middle of a plumbing repair project at home.  You bring to McGuckin some weird contortion of copper tubing and brass fittings and rubber gaskets, and ask the employee in the plumbing department the essential question: “Do you have one of these?”

Then the magic.

The McGuckin person asks a return question: “What are you trying to do?”  Instead of just saying, “We don’t carry that,” or “I think we are out of stock,” or even “I think it’s on Aisle 3,” she will want to know what on earth you are trying to fix.  Once she gets a good idea of the nature and scope of your project, she can help you solve your problem.

You don’t come to McGuckin for a part, you come for a solution.  The staff there want you to go home and succeed.  So they ask a really great question.  They ask, “What are you trying to fix?”  Then they can suggest the right configuration of plumbing parts or whatever.  And give you advice about how tightly (or not) to turn the wrench on the faucet washer, or whether or not to use plumbing tape on the threads.

They are focused on providing solutions, not selling stuff.

With your siblings’ kids, resist the temptation to give quick, even obvious answers, to their situations, dilemmas and questions.  Ask another question—“What are you trying to do?”  Gather some more information. Ask a few follow-up questions.

Many times, your niece will figure out her own answer if you ask her enough questions.

This really happened to me.  At work, a colleague from another department came into my office, closed the door behind her, sat down, and said she needed advice.  She then told a quick story about being wronged by her supervisor, and wondered what she should do about it.  Her story hit me in a soft spot, and I choked up to the point where I couldn’t speak.  Being embarrassed by my tears welling up and focusing on tying to maintain some composure, and being all grabbed at the throat, I couldn’t utter a sound. 

After a few seconds of my silence to her question, she went on a bit about what alternatives she was considering, and asked what I thought.

Still, I’m locked up and can’t even croak.

Then she does some thinking-out-loud analysis of the alternatives, and settles on one.  “What do you think about that idea?” she says.

I’m still speechless, grappling with my emotions and still all choked up.

“Well, that seems like a great idea.  I think it will make things a lot better.  I’m going to do that.  Thanks.  You really helped me. That’s a great idea,” she said, then got up and trotted off, problem solved.

I never in this whole exchange, uttered a single syllable.  Not one.  It was my finest work.

With your nieces or nephews, when they come to you for help, first, ask another question.  “What are you trying to do?”  A problem well stated is half solved.  Get to the bottom of the problem.

Then find out what they have already considered as possible solutions.

And maybe let them talk it out.  The solution they find—on their own—

will teach them more and work better than the one you jump to offer.

Sometime when you are in Boulder, go visit McGuckin Hardware. And bring your niece.  She’ll like it. They have everything. Especially great questions.

Early Experiences Form Lifetimes

“I think I must have learned to climb before I could walk; Father Simard, who lived upstairs in a house we were renting, encouraged me to crawl up the stairs where I was rewarded with a spoonful of honey.  When I was about six, my brother, Gerald, took me out fishing and sneaked a ten-inch pickerel onto the end of the line and made believe I caught it.  I’ve been hooked on fishing ever since.”  Yvon Chouinard, Let My People Go Surfing, p 8.

Kids form their passions early in life.  And some say that a child’s core values are pretty well installed by age 6.  Age 6.

If that’s true, then what experience, what passions, what values do you want your young nieces and nephews to have?

You can be deliberate about selecting their passions and values.

Imagine that.  One experience with fishing, and bam! Yvon Chouinard is a lifelong fisherman. 

If these early experiences are so powerful, so life-shaping, let’s use that to our advantage.  Explore life-shaping experiences with your young nieces and nephews.  Go find a bird’s nest.  Hike in the woods.  Swim.  Take them fishing.  Let them clamber over rocks.  Take them to an art museum. 

The main thing is to have them have fun, and to see you having fun with that same fun thing.  They take their cues about what’s good or bad by watching you, to see how you sum it up.  Go to an art museum, yawn, look at your watch every seven minutes, roll your eyes in your head, and make some choice comments about how boring this is, (“Hell, anybody could paint that thing.) and you have put an indelible pall over art and museums. 

On the other hand…

Show interest.  Demonstrate curiosity.  “I wonder why the painter put this little ray of light coming through this window?” you ask your niece. “Why do you think he did that?” 

Once, while hiking in Yosemite Valley with a group of high school students, I spied an uplifted clod of leaf litter, about the size of a pie plate on a two-inch pedestal on the forest floor.  I stopped, pointed and said, “Hey, wait a minute.  What’s this?” and asked a student to lift up that round chunk of forest floor.  Underneath is a giant, red-capped mushroom.  After that, everybody in the group is forever searching for more of these big, beautiful mushrooms.  Not to eat, of course, but just to find and look at.  Like an Easter egg hunt.

On purpose, with great deliberation, you can help shape very positive passions and values in your siblings’ kids.

Do fun things and demonstrably have fun doing them.  And do worthwhile things, too.  Back to young Yvon Chouinard:  “Somewhere along Route 66 we stopped at an Indian Hogan, and my mother took out the preserved corn she had put up for the trip and gave it all to a Hopi woman and her hungry children.  That incident was probably my first lesson in philanthropy.”  Let My People Go Surfing, p 8.

Now young Yvon, early in life, is a climber, fisherman and philanthropist.

While this is especially true that young kids are shaped early, reinforcement of valuable values in later years is also important.

“When I was seventeen, I saw Glenn Exum teaching his son, Eddie, how to fly cast over by the climbing school shack (in the Grand Teton mountains of Wyoming).  Glenn was a mountain guide and a climbing legend in the valley.  He was also and elegant caster and a superb dry fly fisherman.  When he saw me watching he yelled, “Come on over here, son!” and proceeded to teach me to cast with a fly.  I put away my spinning rod and superduper lures and have fished exclusively with flies ever since.”  Let My People Go Surfing, p 13.

The kindness of a stranger, one simple act, changed Yvon’s life in a positive way.

Yvon Chouinard is founder and Owner of Patagonia, one of the most innovative and forward-looking companies in the world.  Makers of climbing and outdoor equipment and clothing, Patagonia is based on a strong set of enviable core principles around fair dealing, elegance of design, functionality and sustainability.  They have a 100-year business plan.  Yvon co-founded 1% for the Planet, an association of more than 400 business donating 1% of profits to environmental sustainability.

Chouinard is a climber, fisherman, and philanthropist.  All started at an early age, but a few seminal imprints.

Do you have the chance to help nurture another Yvon Chouinard with your nieces and nephews?

Catch them doing things right

April 1, 2011

There are two ways to make an impression on a kid about her actions and performance. One—point out everything she is doing wrong. Two—catch her doing things right.

Which one do you want a kid to remember, to have imprinted on her young, indelible mind? What she is doing wrong, or what she is doing right?

I’ll give you a minute to think about your answer.

While you are thinking, remember some advice that George H.W. Bush received when he was president: “You can’t veto your way to greatness.”

Okay, time’s up.

Kids remember—and act upon—those things that make the biggest imprint in their minds. If you’d rather your nieces and nephews remember and focus on things that they are doing right and well, catch them in the act and comment on it.

At soccer practice, when you see your niece hustle into position as the ball changes possession, tell her so. “You really have a feel for the field. I really like the way you got into position at that last turn.”

Okay, I know what you are thinking: “But what do I say when she is doing something wrong?”

Simple. Tell her what is the right thing to do, then compliment her as soon as she does it.

Back to soccer.

Your niece is statute miles out of position, and the opponent is roaring the ball down the field. You could call out, “Position, Ellie, position! Get back and help the goalie.” When Ellie finds her spot on the field, you could say, “That’s what we are looking for. Great position! More of that!”

If Ellie is doing something dangerous, go ahead and intervene. Then explain the right thing to do in that situation, and move along. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. “Oh, we just don’t do that around here.” That kind of thing.

Watch your siblings’ kids to see what they are doing well and right. Catch them in the act. And compliment them.